Monday, May 07, 2007

Deep Thoughts

I am honored to be named a "Thinking Blogger" by my new friend and soon-to-be neighbor Cyndi at Reboot. She has elevated me to the ranks of all those esteemed bloggers that I love to read. Thank you!

To live up to that title, I thought I would share with you my thoughts of late. Let me warn you - they are not pretty. Depressing even. So please indulge me for a moment and once I get this off my chest, I am sure I will be back to my normal happy self.

There is not alot of new news in my life at the moment, but as I am going through boxes of memories and, let's face it - plain crap, I find myself crying at the drop of a hat thinking about the past and looking at the future. This week my tears were mostly focused on aging. And not the kind of aging I am dealing with at 36, with all kinds of wrinkle prevention creams and lotions. lol (Good lord that is a big business isn't it? but thatsa topic is for another day)

No, I am talking about parents. I am the youngest of 4 girls and my father was 40 when I was born - you do the math. Now, let me stop for a moment and say that blessedly, my parents are in very good health. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. I am very close to both of them and really try to cherish every moment we have. (Of course that doesn't mean we don't get on each others nerves now and then) But in the past few years, I have really noticed my parents aging. They've always been very young looking and both still have some brown hair, but age is showing on their faces and in the slowing of their steps.

The other day, I had the unexpected surprise of my father staying with me for a night. He is retired, but likes to drive cars for dealerships and happened to have a trip to Houston. As he was coming through Dallas, he decided he was too tired to go on and would hang out with us kids for a night. It is always hard for my parents to decide which girl to stay with when they visit, so I was really excited to have him. We had a nice evening with my sister and her family - laughing and talking. We came back to my house and my sweet dad fell asleep on the sofa. But seeing him sleeping like he was, really hit me about how fragile he was becoming.

It's freaking me out. I mean I AM MOVING TO ITALY. And will be thousands of miles away if one of them has any trouble. I guess both Stef and I are dealing with this, though his parents are younger than mine. He and I have a mutual agreement that at any time in our lives, no matter what our finances look like - we will always have money to go home. My family knows this and also that if I am needed at home to deal with anything, I will be there regardless. As I have said before in this blog, the life we've chosen (and by life I mean bi-continental) can really suck at times. It is so full of excitement and sadness all at the same time. But what happens once I move? what will I do so far away from my family? How will I handle the distance as my parents get older? Why do you only really appreciate your parents as friends when you become an adult?

So here I am, tears running down my face trying to remind myself not to dwell on the inevitable. Live in the present. love my parents and enjoy the time we do have. God has really blessed me with wonderful examples to follow. I just hope I can let them know how much they mean to me and how thankful I am to have them. I know I will have sad days in the future when once again I am reminded of the my parents age, but mom & dad did not raise me to live like that. These thoughts should just be a reminder to let people know you love them and to not be embroiled in the small annoyances in life.

Sorry for such a somber post, but this is how my mind is wandering lately. Tomorrow will be a brighter day though and my next post will likely be something silly. I can't expect myself to be deep all the time. It's exhausting! Now, I think I will go back to my "What lipstick color is you" quiz.

More later...


rowena said...

I'm not much of a worry wart, but I know exactly where you're coming from and my family back "home" is something that is always on the back of my mind. Nevertheless, one still has to do what they gotta do so it's just a matter of taking each day as it comes.

On a brighter note, you'll love (or hate!) Italy for all of the commercials zeroing in on a woman's superficial beauty! Facial creams, cellulite busters, skin toners, bronzers, skin-enhancing yogurt drinks in cute little pink bottles (Essensis)...and let's not forget that the women toting these items are drop-dead gorgeous DDD gals themselves! I get a kick out of shopping with my husband for he always says that I look fine. If there's one sure sign of diminishing youth, it's my moments of "forgetfulness"...heh heh!

Valerie said...

Ms. Espresso, I know exactly what you're going through. I went through it myself about a year ago when we left. I cried about every day for a month before we left NM, saying goodbye to friends who had become like family. Then in Ohio before leaving the US, knowing that the time I spent with my 90-something grandparents could well be the last, I was on emotional elevator (up and down, up and down!) the whole time. But then Grandpa told us, "I'm proud of you for doing this. Life is for living!" Dear old gramps! So cry and be all emotional's alright! It shows them (and yourself)how much you love them and will miss them.

Cynthia Rae said...

You sweet thing! I know JUST how you feel! I went through the same thing. The hardest part for me was leaving my 80 plus year old Grandma. She and I were VERY close. I knew my parents would come to Italy so it wasn't so hard to say good bye to them. But I knew my Grandma would never make the trip here.

I worried all the time that something would happen to her while I was so far away. And guess what, one day it did. And it killed me that I couldn't get home in time to be with her like the rest of my family had. But you know what? It wasn't the end of my life.

This all may sound bad, so let me sum it up for you in a better way. It will be hard to leave your loved ones, but you HAVE to live your life. That is what THEY would want for you. Things will change, but you will talk to them, you will see them. And as time goes on, it will get eaiser to live thousands of miles away from them.

I wish I could have been with my Grandma when she died, but I know in my heart that she wanted me to go to Italy. Because she understood how much love there is between Danilo and I. She knew how happy that man makes me and she was first one to say "Go, your life is with him".

Live your life and know, the hardest part will be leaving. It will get easier.
ps. You will always have your friends and family in Italy to help you through the rough patches!

Texas Espresso said...

Thanks so much ya'll for the words of encouragement. I know you are absolutely right and I promise, I don't worry about it overmuch. But there are just times when it hits me smack in the face. sigh sucks. It's all part of the journey!